Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Rely on your back catalogue #3

(if this doesn’t make sense to you, see the previous post)



From: Hi There!

To: temp-032@alton-associates.co.uk
Subject: Genuine Real Girls


Message:
There in our chat centers real life girls waiting for you. They are so blonde and lonely they need you see them NOW! Click on!

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They do any thing you ask them they are lonely and need you. See them NOW do any thing you want them too. These are real girls IN YOUR AREA!

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On the webcam they will do what you say! You can ask them smile and they smile or play scrabble and they do that to.

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All girls REAL GIRLS can play instrument. VIOLIN! OBOE! CLAVICHORD! They play for you now! They can listen to LONG ANECDOTES about work in YOUR office and make HOT STEAMY TEA! They agree with you HOUSE PRICE opinion! They laugh JOKES you make! HAHAHAHAHA with head tilting ACTION!

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Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Rely on your back catalogue #2

(if this doesn’t make sense to you, see the previous post)



IN THE EVENT OF FIRE

  • When you hear the alarm, calmly make your way to the nearest exit.
  • If the nearest exit is on fire, consult the emergency floor-plan for an alternative escape route.
  • If the emergency floor-plan is on fire, report to your building’s safety officer.
  • In the event that your building’s safety officer is also on fire, dial 999 on the nearest phone and ask for the fire brigade.
  • It is entirely possible that the nearest phone is, like everything else in the office, on fire. If this is the case, use your mobile – 999 calls are free on all networks, so you won’t even have to fill in an expenses claim form.
  • If your mobile phone is on fire, you’re starting to run out of options. You could try shouting for help out of a window.
  • By this point, you’re probably on fire yourself. Your situation now is beyond the remit of this poster. Good luck.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Rely on your back catalogue #1


(if this doesn’t make sense to you, see the previous post)


Optimo HairFlow Tea Tree, Jojoba and Hake Shampoo is infused with a subtle blend of fragrances designed to invigorate, enliven and inspire. After just three weeks using it twice a day, you’ll be feeling so much extra confidence that your life will improve immeasurably in every way. You will find discarded money in gutters. You will win competitions you didn’t even enter. You will almost certainly get a promotion at work. Using Optimo Hairflow Shampoo will actually be earning you money, which makes that extra 60p a bottle over the supermarket’s own-brand shampoo seem more than worthwhile. In fact, it might be wise to invest your newfound wealth in buying more Optimo HairFlow Shampoo. This will give you a further boost of self-worth, spurring you on to even greater heights and allowing you to purchase yet more Optima products. Ultimately, this process will result in you having dominion over all the peoples of the earth and issuing commands from the highest minaret of your solid gold palace, where you bathe all day in a vast Olympic-sized swimming pool of shampoo, looking down on the lowly masses beneath you and laughing and laughing and laughing.

For best results, use with Optimo HairFlow Conditioner. Avoid contact with eyes, teeth and lawyers.


Sell books from a box in your garage


Dear readers,

We’ll come back to the random plot generators another time – for now, I’ve got an Exciting Opportunity for you, so Don’t Miss Out!

A few years ago, Luke Wright and I wrote a book called Who Writes This Crap? which consisted of spoofs and pastiches of everyday writing – small print, junk mail, newspapers and so on. It was pretty funny.

Through the magic of discontinued print runs, I’ve just come into possession of about 50 copies of the paperback edition and I’d like you guys to have them. They’re £6 each, or $12 for USAians (because, you know, postage). If you’re from somewhere else, they’re whatever $12 is in your currency. Drop me an email at writebadlywell@gmail.com if you want one and we can do a PayPal thing.

To try and tempt you, I’m going to post a few extracts from the book over the next few days. The actual print versions are all beautifully formatted to look like the things they’re parodying, but even without that, some of the jokes should still stand.

All the best,
Joel

Monday, February 27, 2012

Taking it easy


I've had such a lovely relaxing and productive day at home today. As you can see above, Jessica is feeling contented too. Yes it's only a two-seater, but if she unfurled her rabbit feet, she could almost stretch the whole way across it. Can you see her tail along the cushion back?

And below: contented snoozer. Jessica is quite a snuffly breather so I can hear her cat-snoring softly while I fold washing and dust the coffee table.


Catching up on housework and making our home a haven is what I have been up to the last few days. From moving into our place four months ago, there are still areas which items had been thrown into (literally) to get everything unpacked. I didn't have the time, energy or inclination to do it in an organised manner.

I redid the kitchen cupboards today though, cheered on by a blog I came across a few days ago called The Quiet Home. I have been particularly enjoying the Housework and Home Sweet Home tags and found my attitude towards housework was changed to something altogether more positive. This lovely lady's enthusiasm really is contagious!

I started by emptying out just one cupboard, a big corner deal with pots, pans, the slowcooker and loads of other items in it. It was a bit of a bother having to reach all the way to the back to get something I used often and there really was no rhyme or reason where things were placed. Still, I have been putting up with it since last October so it obviously didn't bother me that much, or perhaps I'm just a little 'busy' (or lazy?).

Of course that led onto other cupboards and finished up including the pantry. In the end all items were placed in clean-wiped and dried cupboards that made the most sense regards usage. Little used items are at the back, and there is a frequent use cupboard so we don't have to open the big hinged door of the corner cupboard to get out the vegetable steamer pots which we use 6 nights out of 7 at least. I'm now really looking forward to cooking tonight!

I was talking to my husband on the weekend and we both agreed that we are still a bit out of sorts and not really in a routine yet. With moving house, the shop being busier and employing a part-time staff member, we need time for things to bed in.

Even though all this change is positive, it can still be unsettling. We charge into something new (or perhaps are just following the road of our life) and expect our body and mind to be fine about it! So I'm soothing my soul with routine and small jobs done well, and knitting, reading and movies for leisure.

We saw The Descendants after work on Sunday and it was so enjoyable. After originally seeing the preview and deciding it looked too depressing, it was thanks to my Mum who said it was a good watch. And it was. George Clooney does his humour so well.

So nothing ground breaking today, just wanted to stop in and say hi.

A Whole New Mind: Why Right Brainers Will Rule the Future

Did you grow up thinking you were an alien on a very strange planet, because you liked to daydream and doodle and muse over words and invent weird plots for stories?  Even as an adult, until I became a writing teacher and started publishing those plots in books and stories, I worried a little that my brain was not working like everyone else's.

I got good training in how to think linearly, but I really preferred thinking from a global view, seeing patterns and systems and how the disparate pieces intertwined, rather than looking at their separate and orderly parts.

Daniel H. Pink's well-loved book, A Whole New Mind:  Why Right Brainers Will Rule the World, gave me hope.  I wasn't crazy.  I was just a right-brainer.  Many writers are.  Especially book writers, who need to have a holistic view to make their books work for readers.

Pink is the also author of Drive, which is about human motivation.  He understands the brain and how it works--especially for creative thinkers like book writers--and I find his theories helpful in my classes.  For 12 years I've been trying to help book writers learn the right-brain skills that will make their books read as a whole rather than a series of parts.

Cultivating a Holistic Viewpoint--Your Book Needs It
Holistic viewpoints are the work of the right brain.  While the left brain, as I understand it, sees things in sequence and in part, the right brain sees the whole.  Many book writers find themselves at a loss when trying to create this holistic feel to their book.  Chapters come across as individual units rather than part of a larger whole. 

Two skills that Pink describes--narrative and design--are born in the right hemisphere and are useful when you want to make your manuscript feel like one instead of many.

The first, narrative, might seem obvious.  After all, we're book writers, we have a narrator, we write narrative.  But do we really?

Narrative is actually the aspect of story that I call "flow" or pacing.  Strong narrative keeps a reader reading. The flow is like a strong river.  It's often simply a matter of good transitions, how fast you deliver your information, and excellent design. 

Design is about making a story logical yet also appealing to the aesthetic senses.  We consider design when we think about knowing how much to add, and how much to just imply.  It's about skillfully shaping your book with enough image to fire the imagination of the reader.   

This week, your weekly writing exercise is to find a copy and try one of the Portfolio exercises on narrative or design that Pink offers.  Let me know how your right brain likes it.

And check out Pink's other writing at this link.

Plot your historical romance at random


Dear readers,

Another genre that you never have to think of your own plot idea for again. You can thank me later.


As pointed out in previous comments, there are virtual dice available online if you don’t happen to have the right polyhedrons just lying around. This said, I have faith in the essential geekiness of my audience.

All the best,
Joel