Thursday, March 15, 2012

Rely on your back catalogue #8

(if this doesn’t make sense to you, see the previous post)

- Lunch Menu -
Hellenic Mussels Braised in Vintage Burgundy
A delicate, piquant, confusing dish, evocative in equal parts of Mediterranean hubris and earthy, unfulfilling intercourse. Not suitable for vegans or recovering alcoholics.
Symmetrical Loins of Highland Quail Served on a Bed of Virgin Spinach and Celeriac Hearts
Our chef’s exacting standards for this dish demand that we source only the finest cuts of quail from a small farm high in the Hebridean hills, where the verdant fields of swaying heather lend a unique fragrance to the proprietor’s firm and matronly breasts.
Non-Sequential Unmarked Fillets of Manatee Presented Somewhat Obsequiously, as if to Atone for Some Previous Unspecified Misdeed
The subtle flavour of manatee is perfectly complemented by the unmistakable zesty overtones of human faeces in this remarkable and altogether unnecessary dish. The characteristic avuncular aroma is due to the inclusion of nine varieties of unidentifiable cheese at the basting stage. This dish has been variously described as “holothurian”, “pancreatic” and “fish”.
Your Pride
In this unique and challenging dish, our Michelin listed chef will come to your table and present you with a mobile telephone, whereupon you will be expected to contact, in chronological order, every single person you have ever met and apologise to each of them in turn for your many failings as a human being. This will include, but will not be limited to: your arrogance, your selfishness, your pretension, your tendency to be an inconsiderate lover, your poor personal hygiene and your staggering, chronic insincerity. This will be followed by coffee and a selection of Baltic cheeses.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

A Cure for Writer's Block: Value Writing--A Surprise Post by One of Mary's Editors

Mary is off writing, which is a good thing for a writing teacher to do every now and then. News flash: many writing teachers don’t actually write all that much. Of course they used to. There were the novels, the plays, the essays, the articles. And better yet, payment for their writing. They were “real writers.”

Then …for quite a few of them, the writing sort of dwindled. This may be your story, as well. It’s definitely mine. (I am a former publisher/editor who is hard at work NOT working on a book about Montaigne the writer who invented the personal essay.) 

I have got good excuses. Life gets in the way—there’s all that family, health, laundry. You know, "issues." And in the grand world of employment, writing often does not pay that well. Writing can start to feel like you are building a house on spec, where you use your own hard-earned cash to build a snazzy house in the hopes that when you sell it you will recoup your money and make a pile in royalties. The thing is, I don’t have the money or patience to write on spec. Does that qualify as writer’s block? Not really.

Spec is short for speculation, a noun that can mean “contemplation of a subject” and “engagement in a risky business transaction in the hope of profit from changes in the market price.”

Know anything else that calls for the mutually exclusive acts of contemplation and engagement in an activity in the hopes of big payout from market changes? Hint: it is what I am trying to do right now.

So I got to thinking… why don’t more of us go off and sink some time into our writing like Mary? For the same reason most of us don’t buy shares in a gold mine in Peru. You could make a bundle, but chances are you would lose your shirt. Why? A gazillion reasons--the mine is about to be nationalized; the mine is lying on a fault line; the mine doesn’t even have gold in it, it has silver. When you are trying to sell spec stuff, there is no way to know all the variables. The same goes with writing.

Writing is a risky business. You invest gobs of time, and the upside is a book contract with the six-figure advance. Great! Ah, but the downsides are huge, and here is the kicker: you won’t know why your book didn’t pay out. The reasons are just as specious as the Peruvian mine. For example, the publisher you sent it to says it now wants vampires not zombies, the editor “just” did a book like yours two years ago, the one agent who got back to you said your main character does not have enough “fill-in-blank” adjective, the book group who read it said it was too long, another group said it was too short.

No surprise when risk does not get rewarded, it leads to risk aversion and money gets stuffed under the mattress. When it comes to writing, risk aversion leads to something known as …. wait for it… writer’s block.  How many of us have a book stuffed under our bed? This is not necessarily your fault. It is simply the price you pay when dealing in an unregulated publishing market.

What to do? How do you turn speculation into safety? There are lots of answers, but it has occurred to me recently that maybe it pays to actually discover what the market wants to read. That means attending publishing conferences, marketing seminars on how to sell books. Learn the business from the publisher’s point of view. Learn who their customer really is. Hint: it is not you.

Now here is where it gets weird: while publishers claim they want safety, they secretly pine for the new, the different, the unknown. They want a piece of that risky Peruvian mine. They just want it to be really well written.

What’s a smart writer like you to do? There are a ton of ideas out there, you probably have read all the do’s and don’ts like me. But here is a new “do” idea—do what the most successful investor of all time does. Ignore the market. Warren Buffet could care less about the market’s ups and downs; he invests for the long haul. And only in those companies that have a significant competitive advantage over its competitors. He calls this advantage the "economic moat," and the wider a company’s moat, the more valuable the company. The trick is figuring out what a company has going for it that sets it apart from its competitors. For Warren, his value investing called for a new type of analysis that requires some number crunching and a whole lot of gut checking.

Value Writing--The Cure for Writer's Block
The cure for writer’s block could be something remarkably similar: value writing. Perhaps the problem is not with the writing, but the way we analyze our writing. Maybe all we need to do is to start asking better questions about our work.

Start with the basics: what you like to read and why. Do you read to escape from the everyday drudgery? Do you read to learn something new? To be moved by the actions of complex characters?

Before you can write to be read, you need to start asking tougher questions about your story. What moved you so much it you found yourself writing it down? Was it the drama? The complex characters? Solving a mystery? Wanting to share family legacies? Does this come across in your own writing? If not, why not? What does come across in your writing? If you are answering these questions truthfully, you should start to feel a little buzz of energy about now.

Now get ready for the really big value-illuminating question: what is the question your book is attempting to answer? (I can see your eyes starting to cross. Knock it off!) For a book to have value it needs to ask at least one really compelling question and then answer it. Will Oliver Twist grow up to live a long and healthy life? Can a white would-be writer manage to tell the story of two black maids in the deep south in the 1960s? Does knowing the personal history of Henrietta Lacks shed new light on how we look at cancer research? Yes, yes, and yes.

Does your opus have a compelling question? If you stopped writing it midway through, I can almost guarantee that it doesn’t. Hence the writer’s block.  Get on our knees, and dig out your manuscript from under the bed. Blow off the dust bunnies, and see if you can’t find that question. Once you do, the drive to answer it will fuel your writing and add a whole lot of moat to your work.

Our guest blogger is a former editor with a large book publishing company.  She was also the editor for Mary's newest book, Your Book Starts Here, for which Mary is eternally grateful. 

Rely on your back catalogue #7

(if this doesn’t make sense to you, see the previous post)



WARNING!

Any baggage left unattended will be removed
and destroyed, no matter how unlikely it is that
fanatical terrorists waging a holy war against
Western civilisation would conceal an explosive
device in a bright pink Miffy rucksack.



Monday, March 12, 2012

Rely on your back catalogue #6

(if this doesn’t make sense to you, see the previous post)

From: opportunity
To: temp-032@alton-associates.co.uk
Subject: 1,800,000 USD For You


Message:
Dear Friend,

I know this might seem a bit unlikely, but I’m a Nigerian Prince in need of your help.

You see, I’ve got approximately $1,800,000 in the form of oil company shares, but it’s all tied up in this quite complicated arrangement to do with inheritances and military coups; I won’t bore you with the details. To cut to the chase, I need you to help me get this money out of the country.

I know you must be wondering why I approached you. After all, you have no formal connection with the Nigerian government and precious little experience of international money laundering. Surely, you ask yourself, I could have used my political contacts to find a more suitable business partner – a diplomat, perhaps, or the CEO of a multinational company. However, I can assure you that, of all the options open to me, picking an email address at random from a softcore pornography website’s mailing list did genuinely present itself as the most logical course of action in this delicate situation.

I know this might seem like an uncertain incentive, but in return for your help in this matter, I can promise you by way of reward all the money that this sum will accrue in the form of interest during the time it will take to complete the transfer. I don’t know how your high-street bank’s graduate account deals with things like international banker’s drafts for almost two million dollars, but I imagine you’ll probably make about $50,000 from the transaction.

Here’s where it gets a bit embarrassing. You see, there are certain technicalities with a transaction of this size which must be taken into account. The paperwork involved is frankly bewildering and I’m sure you don’t want to know all the ins and outs of it. Suffice it to say, I’m going to need you to send me $300 just to ‘get the ball rolling’, so to speak. This is to cover admin costs, postage etc. and is no cause at all for suspicion.

I appreciate that you might be sceptical. After all, if I’m a Nigerian Prince with almost two million dollars at my disposal, why can’t I afford $300 for admin costs? Believe me, I’m as confused as you are to find myself in this odd and, let’s be honest, highly unlikely situation. However, this is where I find myself, the rightful heir to the throne of a large and relatively prosperous African nation – sending emails to strangers asking for small amounts of money in order to buy stamps and padded envelopes. In your position, I would no doubt be sceptical as well.

All I would ask you to do is to place yourself in my shoes for a second and consider what constitutes the right course of action. All I’m asking is that you give a few moments of your time to help a fellow human being in need and consequently make $50,000 tax free. Is that really too much to ask? If you decide that you cannot help me, I will regretfully bid you farewell and move onto the next email address on my list – I feel certain that there is someone on the wildwetwhores.com mailing list who can help me. What I will say, though, is that this kind of arrangement can be reciprocal. So, when you next find yourself with $1,800,000 you need to get out of the country, I hope you won’t hesitate to contact me for help.


All the best,

A Nigerian Prince.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Having Beautiful Skin – part 1


Image

Pampering my skin is one of my favourite ways to nurture my spirit. From morning until evening there are many opportunities to stop and take care of some aspect of my toilette.

It’s not what you do once in a while that counts, but what you do on a regular basis. And if you do them often enough they become habit and you don’t forget. You then reap the rewards later in life when your skin is glowy and smooth.

Here are just some of the ways I pamper my skin – from the outside:

- A quick rinse-off of my face in the shower in the morning followed by a thorough cleanse with a small amount of foaming cleanser. When I have dried off I pat on alcohol-free toner and a good moisturiser. I put SPF 15 on the top of this. Layering is something I do morning and night. A thin layer of two different types of moisturiser feels better to me than one. And my skin drinks it in.

- Applying body lotion to my whole body after my morning shower. I go through a lot of body lotion but it’s worth it. Trying different lotions and scents is fun. If I used the same lotion month in month out I would get bored. I bought a bottle of grapeseed oil from the cooking section of the supermarket and have been adding a little to my body lotion and then shaking in. I have done the same with olive oil before too and it makes the lotion much richer.

- Applying sun protection to my décolletage every morning, summer and winter.

- Applying body butter or body cream to my décolletage before retiring in the evening.

- Putting a vitamin e cream or oil on my melanoma scar on the back of my leg. My cat rescue friend advised this. She has surgery scars that are 20 years old and said they are almost invisible due to vitamin e cream. Maybe time helps the colour of scars but why take any chances.

- Try not to frown. I have been tempted by Botox a few times but, well the cost puts me off. Probably if it was free I would have tried it by now! I also looked into Frownies but in the end decided to just not frown, which is what Frownies train you to do. So during the day (when I think about it) I focus on relaxing my face, imagining what my forehead might be like if I had Botox (smooth) and ‘pull’ my eyebrows apart. Yoga taught me that your intentions help your muscles, even if in infinitesimally small ways, so it will be doing something. And the small line I noticed on my forehead and the two between my eyebrows seem better and definitely not worse.

- Taking pleasure in cleansing my face at night. I use a thick creamy lotion and massage this into my face. I have a facial tissue at the ready and a basin of quite warm water run, with a fine cotton flannel in it (I use a fresh one every night). When I have massaged my face well but gently, including my eye makeup, I start tissuing it off. When I have removed all the cleansing cream I wash my face with the flannel and warm water. The flannel is wrung out until almost dry and I exfoliate whilst I clean my face too. After this I apply my layers of evening time lotions and eye cream. I don’t use a toner at night as my face is still damp. I change my products when I need a new one but they are always reasonable in cost and often from the supermarket or chemist rather than the glamorous beauty counters. Currently I am using a mix of Weleda, Skinfood, Natio and Neutrogena. At the moment my cleansing lotion is a lightly scented body lotion with grapeseed oil added. I thought I would try it when I ran out of cleansing lotion and it hasn't been detrimental. It's a lot cheaper too!

- Along with my décolletage moisturising at night I apply a lip balm to my lips and some lavender oil to my wrists before bed. Delicious.

- Say no to mineral oil (or huile minerale, even though they are French words, doesn’t fool me!) and denatured or SD alcohol. Both are terrible for skin.

- I keep hand lotion everywhere so I use it often. Choose light ones that sink in quickly so you won’t be put off using them on the go. I have a tube in the car door for when I’m a passenger, a pump bottle by the sink at work, some in the living room by my stack of magazines, by my bed, in the bathroom... Everywhere.

- Edited to add: I almost forgot about foundation. I read in Joan Collins beauty secrets book that she believes foundation protects your skin and wearing it helps keep you looking younger. Well I don't wear as much as Joan, but since the age of 14 I have always worn a tinted moisturiser or light foundation. It makes sense that this creates a barrier between your skin and the environment.

So I’m sure you have gotten by now that the main things I do for my skin are cleanse well (in a way that suits your skin type), and moisturise a lot. Make it enjoyable and treat these times like a spa and you will want to do it.

Making something enjoyable, whether it’s budgeting, eating healthfully or looking after your skin is the secret to being able to maintain it every day. For example, I like to make our bathroom spa-like by keeping it clean and putting out fresh towels regularly.

Next time, part two of Having Beautiful Skin will focus on pampering your skin from the inside.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Rely on your back catalogue #5


(if this doesn’t make sense to you, see the previous post)

Teddy’s SMS Loans
From £5  to  £100,000

Looking for a low-cost loan but too busy getting into all that debt to pick up the phone? No worries! Teddy’s SMS Loans are the solution!

Great! How does it work?
Simply text your name, the amount you wish to borrow, the names of all the most important people in your life and your bank account details to 82666. We’ll do the rest. 

That seems a little too easy…
It is! Our expert team of computer ‘experts’ are able to find out any information we need to know about you from your bank account details. If banks have already run complicated, lengthy checks, there’s no need for us to bother! You’ll have the money in your account the next working day!

Why do you need to know how many loved ones I have?
To determine how much money we can lend you. SMS Loans isn’t one of those scary finance companies that takes away people’s cars or houses. You don’t need a car or a house to get a loan with us. You don’t even need a job or a regular income. If for some reason you can’t keep up your payments, one of our ‘guys’ will pay a visit to one of your loved ones and see if we can’t find a solution. If the problem persists, we’ll visit the next one on your list and so on and so on. The more loved ones, the more money you can borrow. Simple.

Don’t I need to sign something?
What is this, the dark ages? Signatures are a thing of the past. These days, entering into a life-changing legal agreement is as easy as coughing at an auction. By texting your loan request to 82666, you automatically duck most of the red tape the government puts in the way of loan requests. Just see the “send” button as the dotted line and your thumb as all the legal advice you’ll ever need.

And you’ve got great interest rates, right?
Of course we have. We love our interest rates. Don’t you think if we were going to rip you off we’d have made our logo a picture of Hitler or something? You’re busy – you haven’t got time to go and check all this stuff out, so just pick up your phone right now and Trust the Teddy!

For full terms and conditions go to www.teddyssmsloans.com/theboringbits We experience a high volume of traffic through our website and this page may take between 3 and 8 hours to load. Remember, when looking for a loan, time is of the essence. What if they all go? Don’t miss out. Trust the Teddy!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Rely on your back catalogue #4

(if this doesn’t make sense to you, see the previous post)



SITCOM CENTRAL

05:00 Dougie, Howard & Beth
05:30 Dougie, Howard & Beth
06:00 Dougie, Howard & Beth
06:30 Don’t Go There
07:00 Upside Town
07:30 Dougie, Howard & Beth
08:00 Five Kids And A Dog Called Jack
08:30 Five Kids And A Dog Called Jack
09:00 Capital Punishment
09:30 Capital Punishment
10:00 Rodeo Dad
10:30 Dougie, Howard & Beth
11:00 Rodeo Dad
11:30 Don’t Go There
12:00 Rodeo Dad
12:30 Upside Town
13:00 Four Kids And A Dog Called Jack
13:30 Don’t Go There
14:00 Don’t Go There
14:30 Don’t Go There
15:00 Don’t Go There
15:30 Don’t Go There
16:00 Don’t Go There
16:30 Don’t Go There
17:00 Capital Punishment
17:30 Don’t Go There
18:00 Don’t Go There
18:30 Don’t Go There

19:00 Dougie, Howard & Beth
All hell breaks loose when Beth finds a family of immigrants living in her garage and Dougie gets a new job at the Homeland Security Department.
(R) (S) 3073-5466-112
19:30 Capital Punishment
There’s a new face on death row when Frank’s lawyer lets him down. Unfortunately, as love-struck Jimmy is about to find out, Frank isn’t the only one who’s lost his appeal.
(R) (S) 8492-6066-320
20:00 Dougie, Howard & Beth
Howard is having trouble adjusting to his new gender, while Beth and Dougie have been misdiagnosed with each other’s cancers after a mix-up at the hospital.
(R) (S) 0065-9811-002
20:30 Don’t Go There
In an act of cruel and premeditated brutality, Latisha forces Chantelle to “talk to the hand”. There’s also a tedious subplot involving  a lost cat.
(R) (S) 5444-9007-656
21:00 Dougie, Howard & Beth
The gang are caught up in a tense hostage situation and for some reason, Dougie is suffering from uncontrollable flatulence. The whole things smacks of lazy writing.
(R) (S) 2047-6340-812
21:30 Rodeo Dad
After 136 episodes, Mikey has finally begun to suspect that his father is in fact a professional rodeo clown in this unfunny and ill-thought-through sitcom.
(R) (S) 2210-8654-000
22:00 Don’t Go There
Oh God, this one again. Well, the plot is pretty much the same every time, so my summary becomes superfluous if you’ve ever had the misfortune to see an episode.
(R) (S) 2020-5478-941
22:30 Upside Town
I mean, have you actually watched these things? Have you ever actually sat down and watched them? Week after week, episode after episode. It’s just relentless.
(R) (S) 8005-7403-997
23:00 Dougie, Howard & Beth
A misunderstanding takes place. One character is hilariously camp and makes innuendos. Someone repeats someone else but changes the word order slightly. There must be more to life than this.
(R) (S) 1111-4723-067
23:30 Capital Punishment
I mean, what’s it all for? What’s it actually for, this stuff? What is it supposed to do? I can’t remember the last time I laughed. I mean, a real, honest belly-laugh that makes you feel that everything might just be alright after all. What happened to them? I’m sure I used to laugh.
(R) (S) 6300-8726-771
00:00 Dougie, Howard & Beth
Is it only me, or does everyone feel like this? When did we stop laughing? When did “comedy” become a genre instead of a device and lose all its power? These things aren’t comedy. They aren’t funny. They don’t make life better.
(R) (S) 1010-7465-333
00:30 Rodeo Dad
Mikey spooks the horses whilst rehearsing for the big talent show. Steve loses his hat. Miranda discovers she is pregnant. But who’s the father?
(R) (S) 8349-0766-150
01:00 Don’t Go There
01:30 Three Kids And A Dog Called Jack
02:00 Capital Punishment
02:30 Two Kids And A Dog Called Jack
03:00 Dougie, Howard & Beth
03:30 Don’t Go There
04:00 Dougie, Howard & Beth
04:30 Two Kids And The Tattered Remains Of A Collar